Just Cause …. It’s Shit ….. 3

The name Just Cause is the sweetest treat to any reviewer out there. It’s the perfect set up for countless jokes about the games quality and the off the wall hijinks you can get up within it. “I Just used a statue’s head as a wrecking ball attached to helicopter then used it to smash a load of fuel tanks, why? Just Cause!” So far so trite.

Cracking jokes about this series name is the video game reviewer equivalent of “What’s the deal with airline food” a punchline to itself that no one ever laughed at the first time round.

The Just Cause series is one of gaming’s oddest creations. Starting on the PS2, this series has seen three games in the series that are basically flashier more explosive versions of the first one. You play as Rico Rodriguez, a CIA agent with a reckless disregard for the laws of physics, self-preservation and the precise uses of what a parachute can and can’t do. Across each of the three games of the series, Rico is used as a tool to spark revolutions in various fictitious dictatorships (All inspired by real world ones) across the world (Hence the rather one the nose Che Guava imagery on the box of the first game)

just-cause-win-cover

Having played each game in the series I’ve got to say I’m rather fond of both Just Cause 1 and 2. They are dumb games that gave the player a hit ton of explosives and said “See that red thing, blow it up”. They were the Michael bay of video games, with a dash Robert Rodriguez to help lighten the mood (These could basically be Machete games).

It is then with great sadness that I can report that I’ve had absolutely no fun playing Just Cause 3 at all and will, in fact, be trading it in at my local Game shop the day this piece goes out.*

When I first sat down with JC3 I immediately had a problem. My hard drive was full and I needed to unload some data. First I uninstalled Assassin’s Creed Black Flag. A decent game but one I haven’t played in about a year so no biggie. But JC3 demanded a greater sacrifice which I gave it; Witcher 3. I know I’ll never finish Witcher 3 but me uninstalling it was me admitting to that fact, something I’m not sure any game critic is allowed to do.

When I had finally allotted the massive amount of Hard Drive space to allow JC3 to lounge around the PS4 I was met with a massive install time that let me catch up on watching some old episodes of Family Guy that were on TV at the time. One of them was the episode where Lois becomes Mayor and is then persuaded to pour toxic chemicals into the town’s lake. It’s an alright episode, a funny gag with Jason Vorhees but nothing too special. Also, who is Donnie Most?

While the game was installing I did have the chance to play around in a small portion of the game, allowing me to practice with the wing suit for a bit, but I found that after a few minutes doing this I had kinda had my fill already. So I went back to Family Guy, Stewie is kinda funny at times ain’t he? Not a good sign.

When I finally got the game running I started it to find the game ran like shit. Several minute long loading screens between deaths and a frame rate that dropped to single figures whenever I picked up speed on the roads. I tried to get into it but then I crashed after an hour and I decided I wanted to sleep more.

The next week followed a similar pattern. I tried to get into the spirit of the game, liberating bases, blowing shit up etc but the game was just terrifically dull in almost every way. The shooting (Which has never been great in these games) was weak and felt like I was pelting  my enemies with piss from Rico’s flaccid johnson.

Explosions felt milquetoast and underwhelming.

Driving was like handling a Rhinosours with a pair of electrodes to the nut sack. Dangerous to everyone around me and lethal to me.

After a week of trying and trying again to like this game, I failed to find a redeeming quality to this game other than the occasionally amusing voice acting. While we’re on VA in this game, What the fuck is David Tennant doing in this game? He’s pretty funny in it for sure but couldn’t he be doing better? Telltale, hire David Tennant for your next series, use his talents.

I finished Mad Max, I found it tolerable if dull at times. I finished Watch Dogs, I found it hateful but passable to the end. I didn’t finish Just Cause 3 before I traded it in. It didn’t offend my storytelling sensibilities, it just bored the living shit out of me and I never want to play it again.

 

*This isn’t a review

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About PropeRob

All round song and dance man with penchant for quoting Jeeves and Wooster and Toberlone's. Known to drone on about Video Games and geeky bollocks to anyone who can't escape in time.

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